Part I
I served with John Kerry in Cambodia!
It's true....Guys I have to confess since Kerry has made our whole mission public property. I do realize, however, that what I'm about to say may still be classified by the National Security Agency (NSA), "Top Secret Ruff Zarf Talent Keyhole US-UK Eyes Only Handle Via Courier Only," and I can go to prison for a term of not less than 10 years of hard labor.
I've told you guys already about being based at Clark AFB in the Philippines with TDY (temporary duty) assignment all over S.E. Asia. One day in early December 1968, I was asked by my C.O., a General, no less, to volunteer for a Top Secret mission in Cambodia. I agreed and he made me sign dozens of papers saying that I would never disclose the nature of this mission.
The General said I'd been selected for this Mission up the Dum Fuk River in Cambodia because of the fact that I was the best marksman in the U.S. Army and my profile indicated that I was a perfect assassin. My Mission was to kill an army Colonel who had went insane in Vietnam and moved into Cambodia with his own private army. His name was Kurtz and he had been a highly decorated Special Forces officer. A guy from the CIA was there also and told me that this Mission never happened.
So before you could say, "Elect John Kerry President" Sergeant Ronbo "The Assassin" was reporting for duty on the Navy Swift Boat commanded by Lt. Kerry. I didn't know who he was at the time because he wore no name tag, nor would any member of the Swift Boat tell me their names, and nobody asked my name. All the Swiftees knew was that I was to be taken up the Mekong to the Dum Fuk River in Cambodia and they were to drop me off near the base camp of Kurtz. The rest was up to me -- and I had been provided by the CIA with the world's most advanced sniper rifle, the Dread XSR, which can now be purchased in most gun stores for $29.95 plus tax. But back in '68 it was one awesome mother.
I won't bore you guys with the rest of the story of how everyone in the Swift Boat was killed except for me and Kerry on our way up the Mekong to the Dum Funk River in Cambodia. But at long last we arrived at Kurtz's base camp in Cambodia and we were captured immediately by his army. This was on December 24, 1968. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what we were doing in Cambodia, because Kurtz had already read The Heart of Darkness by Conrad and figured out that he would die at the end of the story like the dude in the book.
Kurtz ordered Kerry, who was by this time was driven almost insane by the knowledge that he was out of 8mm film and thus could not use the footage in his Presidential campaign, to be thrown in a dark hole full of rats, and then invited me to dinner and a chat.
At that meal Kurtz made me an offer I couldn't refuse: Shoot Kerry instead! Of course, seeing as how I never liked Massachusetts liberals, officers or sailors anyway, I agreed to do it! So Kurtz, thinking he'd write a different ending to The Heart of Darkness, took me back to the pit with Kerry and the rats and handed me back my Dread XSR -- The master rifle and the master assassin looked down at Kerry in the pit...
What happened next is a bit of a blur, Kerry seeing me aim the XSR at him while fighting off the rats at the same time yelled:
"The horror! The horror! Another JFK from Massachusetts assassinated by an expert marksman! Oh the horror! You should at least wait until I'm elected President!!"
Kurtz yelled into my ear, "Do it boy!"...And I would have too, except my foot slipped and I fell into the pit with Kerry and the rats.
When I hit bottom and landed on top of Kerry, who broke my fall, the XSR accidentally discharged and blew a hole in Kurtz wide enough to drive a Swift Boat thru. In the darkness I looked into Kerry's insane eyes he said:
"Brilliant move soldier, I'll personally see to it that you get a Bronze Star with Valor and I'll award myself another Silver Star for breaking your fall!"
I pulled out my K-Bar knife to cut Kerry's throat when voices above shouted, "CIA Mercenaries here! We've come to save Sergeant Ronbo and Lt. Kerry." Then a rope ladder appeared and we climbed up into the light....
I won't go into our adventures with the CIA guys -- or how we got out of Cambodia by way of Thailand, or the three week long party in Bangkok -- but at last we arrived back in the Philippines and before the General.
Kerry, the hero of the assassination of Kurtz and the OIC of the Mission That Never Happened, received a Silver Star with "V" for Valor -- and I received an Article 15 for assaulting an officer and fined $500, which paid the cleaning bill for getting Kerry's uniform muddy, although there was no charge for Kerry's medical bill as the military medicine is free.
Part II
In the "long version" of The Mission That Never Happened, Kerry calls Ronbo into the Swift Boat control room for a private conference with a nude Kerry who orders Ronbo to be camera man and director for his upcoming sexual adventures with the Playboy Bunny-Girls who will exchange sex for fuel for their helicopter (The Swift Boats and Hueys use the same type of fuel) so they can get back to Saigon and making mega bucks at MACV Headquarters.
Of course, by giving away one-half their fuel the boat will not be able to return to Vietnam after dropping off Ronbo.
Ronbo tells Kerry that it’s not good for discipline if the sailors see their commander running around buck naked and if he stars in a porno movie it will be bad for his upcoming presidential campaign.
Kerry puts on a mask and says, "Soldier, you are looking a new movie star -- Long John Silver! I mean how will the public know its me who is behind the mask? But they'll all say - 'Who is that masked man?' -- And be impressed with my large organ of maleness. Then stories will be told about my huge male organ and it will be world famous. Later when I run for president every woman in the country and a few men will vote for me and not understand the real reason why they did so. Soldier! The President of the United States is the Father of his country!"
Ronbo agrees -- but only if Kerry signs a waiver giving him exclusive rights over the soon-to-be filmed porno movie and the character of "Long John Silver"....Later Ronbo will continue his career as a smut king producer and become a millionaire, although the character of "Long John Silver" will be played by other actors, including an army veteran who later died of AIDS.
I served with John Kerry in Cambodia!
It's true....Guys I have to confess since Kerry has made our whole mission public property. I do realize, however, that what I'm about to say may still be classified by the National Security Agency (NSA), "Top Secret Ruff Zarf Talent Keyhole US-UK Eyes Only Handle Via Courier Only," and I can go to prison for a term of not less than 10 years of hard labor.
I've told you guys already about being based at Clark AFB in the Philippines with TDY (temporary duty) assignment all over S.E. Asia. One day in early December 1968, I was asked by my C.O., a General, no less, to volunteer for a Top Secret mission in Cambodia. I agreed and he made me sign dozens of papers saying that I would never disclose the nature of this mission.
The General said I'd been selected for this Mission up the Dum Fuk River in Cambodia because of the fact that I was the best marksman in the U.S. Army and my profile indicated that I was a perfect assassin. My Mission was to kill an army Colonel who had went insane in Vietnam and moved into Cambodia with his own private army. His name was Kurtz and he had been a highly decorated Special Forces officer. A guy from the CIA was there also and told me that this Mission never happened.
So before you could say, "Elect John Kerry President" Sergeant Ronbo "The Assassin" was reporting for duty on the Navy Swift Boat commanded by Lt. Kerry. I didn't know who he was at the time because he wore no name tag, nor would any member of the Swift Boat tell me their names, and nobody asked my name. All the Swiftees knew was that I was to be taken up the Mekong to the Dum Fuk River in Cambodia and they were to drop me off near the base camp of Kurtz. The rest was up to me -- and I had been provided by the CIA with the world's most advanced sniper rifle, the Dread XSR, which can now be purchased in most gun stores for $29.95 plus tax. But back in '68 it was one awesome mother.
I won't bore you guys with the rest of the story of how everyone in the Swift Boat was killed except for me and Kerry on our way up the Mekong to the Dum Funk River in Cambodia. But at long last we arrived at Kurtz's base camp in Cambodia and we were captured immediately by his army. This was on December 24, 1968. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what we were doing in Cambodia, because Kurtz had already read The Heart of Darkness by Conrad and figured out that he would die at the end of the story like the dude in the book.
Kurtz ordered Kerry, who was by this time was driven almost insane by the knowledge that he was out of 8mm film and thus could not use the footage in his Presidential campaign, to be thrown in a dark hole full of rats, and then invited me to dinner and a chat.
At that meal Kurtz made me an offer I couldn't refuse: Shoot Kerry instead! Of course, seeing as how I never liked Massachusetts liberals, officers or sailors anyway, I agreed to do it! So Kurtz, thinking he'd write a different ending to The Heart of Darkness, took me back to the pit with Kerry and the rats and handed me back my Dread XSR -- The master rifle and the master assassin looked down at Kerry in the pit...
What happened next is a bit of a blur, Kerry seeing me aim the XSR at him while fighting off the rats at the same time yelled:
"The horror! The horror! Another JFK from Massachusetts assassinated by an expert marksman! Oh the horror! You should at least wait until I'm elected President!!"
Kurtz yelled into my ear, "Do it boy!"...And I would have too, except my foot slipped and I fell into the pit with Kerry and the rats.
When I hit bottom and landed on top of Kerry, who broke my fall, the XSR accidentally discharged and blew a hole in Kurtz wide enough to drive a Swift Boat thru. In the darkness I looked into Kerry's insane eyes he said:
"Brilliant move soldier, I'll personally see to it that you get a Bronze Star with Valor and I'll award myself another Silver Star for breaking your fall!"
I pulled out my K-Bar knife to cut Kerry's throat when voices above shouted, "CIA Mercenaries here! We've come to save Sergeant Ronbo and Lt. Kerry." Then a rope ladder appeared and we climbed up into the light....
I won't go into our adventures with the CIA guys -- or how we got out of Cambodia by way of Thailand, or the three week long party in Bangkok -- but at last we arrived back in the Philippines and before the General.
Kerry, the hero of the assassination of Kurtz and the OIC of the Mission That Never Happened, received a Silver Star with "V" for Valor -- and I received an Article 15 for assaulting an officer and fined $500, which paid the cleaning bill for getting Kerry's uniform muddy, although there was no charge for Kerry's medical bill as the military medicine is free.
Part II
In the "long version" of The Mission That Never Happened, Kerry calls Ronbo into the Swift Boat control room for a private conference with a nude Kerry who orders Ronbo to be camera man and director for his upcoming sexual adventures with the Playboy Bunny-Girls who will exchange sex for fuel for their helicopter (The Swift Boats and Hueys use the same type of fuel) so they can get back to Saigon and making mega bucks at MACV Headquarters.
Of course, by giving away one-half their fuel the boat will not be able to return to Vietnam after dropping off Ronbo.
Ronbo tells Kerry that it’s not good for discipline if the sailors see their commander running around buck naked and if he stars in a porno movie it will be bad for his upcoming presidential campaign.
Kerry puts on a mask and says, "Soldier, you are looking a new movie star -- Long John Silver! I mean how will the public know its me who is behind the mask? But they'll all say - 'Who is that masked man?' -- And be impressed with my large organ of maleness. Then stories will be told about my huge male organ and it will be world famous. Later when I run for president every woman in the country and a few men will vote for me and not understand the real reason why they did so. Soldier! The President of the United States is the Father of his country!"
Ronbo agrees -- but only if Kerry signs a waiver giving him exclusive rights over the soon-to-be filmed porno movie and the character of "Long John Silver"....Later Ronbo will continue his career as a smut king producer and become a millionaire, although the character of "Long John Silver" will be played by other actors, including an army veteran who later died of AIDS.
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