The Congo Penis Panic

Who would you want in the White House when the phone rings at 3:00 AM warning that there's a black magic penis theft ring operating in the US?

Rumours of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo's sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.

Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure.

Of course, there are those who fear that one of the Democratic candidates has a similar effect on men.